The Empty Room (Open)

[Lucy Maggie Stevens]

Lucy rolled her eyes at the naïve woman. A lot of people were able to work with horses, horses were forgiving creatures. Yes, Ashley was very good with horses, because she was calm around them. When she first came here, her beautiful mare was a filly that had come out of an abusive family, Lucy worked with so much. Justice resembled Lucy in many ways; they had both come from abuse. They had learned that was what life was and that they couldn’t trust people. People had to work and have patience to earn their trust. This woman thought horses were really sensitive, and they were. They could sense if you were scared. Horses were marvelous giants, but they couldn’t tell if you were a worthless pile of shit. They may be good, but they weren’t that good. Lucy had confidence she did well with horses, maybe it was because nobody had ever told her otherwise, because them here at Willow Brooke were trying to raise self confidence. But she had gotten the job, so she was good with horses. Horses were much easier to get along with than human though.

”My past is something that makes me me, and it’s sometimes difficult to understand but I’ll try to explain…” Lucy drowned off thinking of where to start. Just start at the beginning, well the English teacher didn’t need to know absolutely everything, just why she was having the problems she was. Then possibly if she told her about family issues, the one she was facing now and her decisions she was going to have to make eventually.

”Horses and I have a connection because they haven’t ever hurt me. I never had a family, I mean yes I had a mother and a father, but they didn’t treat me as their daughter. When I was five, my mother walked out of my life. My father blamed me… she cut herself off. She didn’t want to talk about the abuse and rape. It was hard enough thinking about it, and she remembered when she had finally opened up to Mark and shared. Of course, this lady could know the simple stuff, she didn’t have to know everything Lucy had told mark.

”Abuse, sex. It all means love. That’s what my father taught me. I had to love him, he was my father. So she showed me he loved me to.” She looked up at the teacher, trying to hard to hold back the tidal wave. You can only hold back something that is bond to happen for so long. That’s all she needed to know, she didn’t need to know about her mother, or anything else. Lucy didn’t want to talk anymore.

[Ayesha McMillan]

If Ayesha had been a mind reader she would have laughed out loud and shaken her head sadly. She never believed that horses could sense if a human was 'a pile of shit', unless taken in a very literate way, but she firmly believed no one who was the way Lucy described herself would have the sensitivity it took to handle a horse well. It was probably a very good thing she wasn't a mind reader, or her reaction would have stopped Lucy from revealing what she now told about herself.

She had to swallow hard, gulped down a lump in her throat when Lucy's words sank in. Abused by her own father, and conditioned to think that was what love meant. How more cruel could a man possible get, she asked herself, but couldn't find an immediate answer. No wonder that girl was emotionally mixed up, to put it mildly.

"I..." she slowly started, "I guess you've been told often enough that that's not what love means."

She took a swig from the water bottle again, just to buy herself some time while she tried to wrap her mind around the unwanted images going through her head right now. Just thinking about what the poor girl must have had to endure forced her to swallow another lump in her throat that suddenly felt rather tight.

Ayesha looked down for a second, resting her arms on her thighs while she gathered her thoughts. "But all that makes you is a victim - not a worthless person. That's hardly the same." She looked at Lucy and prayed that if she hadn't found the right words to help her, she had at least found something to say that would open the door a little more, allow her enough insight into the girl's messed-up mind to find a place where she could apply a lever, some opening that could provide her with a chance to do something to help.

[Lucy Maggie Stevens]

Lucy smiled at her, a weak, fake smile. Everybody told her that’s not what love meant. The school counselor, her friends from Weed, Jared, Mark. Anybody she had talked to about the issue had told her that what she had done is not the way to show somebody you love them. She still had doubts in her mind, married couples had sex all the time, and the loved each other. Her father had loved her mother, and they had had sex. People she knew had sex and told each other they loved them. It happened in this school; couples that loved each other had sex. It was hard in Lucy’s mind to understand what exactly it all meant, between her father and society her views of love were different than others.

Her next comment made Lucy once again roll her eyes. ”I didn’t think you’d understand. You’ve had it all. You wouldn’t know how much it comes into your mind. All I had was my dad, and everyday he told me I was a worthless pile of shit that ruined his life and didn’t deserve to walk this planet. Then he’d tell me but he loves me anyway. He’d ask me if I loved him. I’d say yes, then I’d have to show him. So he’d molest me. Everyday of my life till I has fourteen years old. I finally told somebody, and got sent away to my mom’s. She didn’t want anything to do with me, and just reinforced the idea I was worthless. Now I have had people that know me for maybe a few minutes tell me I’m not. Who am I supposed to believe?” Lucy was mad, she got angry when people wouldn’t understand her. It wasn’t so much that the didn’t understand though, more she didn’t want to talk about it.

Lucy stood up, prepared to leave. She got frustrated so easily when people tried to fix her. This is why she didn’t let people in, because either they would break her more or try to fix her. Everybody could imagine, but nobody honestly knew and felt what she had gone through. People that had been raped once would have problems for the rest of their life. She had had it happen a thousand times, and now people that hardly knew her felt like they could walk in and fix it and make it all better. The only person that ever help was Mark, cause he made her forget when she was having fun riding with him, he made her forget.

[Ayesha McMillan]

How on Earth could she get through to this girl, Ayesha wondered with a sigh - if she could get through to her at all. Of course she was right, Aesha couldn't understand, and there had to be very few people who would. But before she let Lucy go she would give her a piece of her own mind. Chatting to ease her had backfired, kindness had made her angry. The latter was maybe just a defense mechanism, but it had kicked in so fast, almost automatically that the same would happen again if Ayesha continued down that road, of that she was pretty certain. So now she would have to try bluntness and hope for the best.

"Yes," she said sharply, "you are right. Our lives have been completely different. So different we might as well be from different planets." Of course she never 'had it all' as Lucy claimed, nothing in life was ever one hundred percent perfect, but Ayesha wouldn't burden her little speech with details.

As she continued all expression left her face; she was just stating facts as she saw them. "And yes, you are right. I'll never fully understand the hell you went through.

"But I've seen a lot in my teaching career. Violent crime, 13-year olds selling drugs to their classmates, pregnant teenage girls forced by their parents to have an abortion. And I still believe that almost no one is worthless. I only make an exception for the worst of criminals." In her mind that very much included Lucy's father, who was the real pile of shit in this equation, but Lucy would have to figure that out for herself.

"I can't help believing that. It's a believe I grew up with and into. It's part of who I am.

"And if you think I am naive because of it - stuff it. I can't see the world through your eyes, true, but neither can you look through mine and see things how I see them."

Ayesha relaxed a little and her voice took on a softer tone again. She had fired her salvo, but she wasn't quite finished yet.

"Wanting to help people with problems is also part of who I am, Lucy. But all I can do is offer you my help - it's up to you to decide it you want to take me up on this offer.

"If you do I'll leave it to you to decide what kind of help you want. Crying at my shoulder, talking about your family history all night long, or just a chat about horses or clothes or the weather over a cup of ice cream. Your choice."

[Lucy Maggie Stevens]

Lucy stared blankly at her as the teacher ranted at her about how she knew the world. She wouldn’t deny that the teacher had seen a lot. But it was different to be there supporting somebody going through this shit than actually being the person. Watching the emotional rollercoaster of a teenage girl who was being forced to have an abortion would be hard, but it would be harder for the teenage girl. The teenage girl would be scarred the rest of her life, the person watching would be able to move on and leave.

This woman was making Lucy angry, but also making her want to cry. How did she find it ok to blow up on Lucy? Lucy had just pointed out how she had no right telling her about her life, because Lucy had gone through it. At least the teacher knew she couldn’t understand. Not completely, she couldn’t every completely understand the hell Lucy went through living with her father. She would never be able to grasp why Lucy thought so poorly of herself, nobody was ever able to understand. Even Mark, the person she had opened up for years, couldn’t understand how Lucy didn’t see better of herself. So nobody would ever really understand how much damage somebody can do to another’s self-esteem.

The woman’s remark about stuffing it gave Lucy a little room to giggle. She let it out, not trying at all to hold it in. The remark was funny, and incredibly immature, which made if funnier coming from this ole wise English teacher. She knew she wouldn’t be able to see it like the teacher though. Lucy understood a lot better, because she didn’t have to imagine what it would be like. She understood the hate a child would build up inside itself, she understood why kids killed themselves. When first coming to Willow Brooke it took Lucy many visits with the counselor to feel like she didn’t have to kill herself. Lucy understood suicide. She knew how somebody could be so down about themselves they didn’t want to live anymore. She didn’t support it, and if a kid approached her telling her about their feelings she shared hers, told her story of how she used to be the same way but had worked her way out by talking to people. Lucy sometimes helped a lot more than the counselors, because they were perfect. They didn’t know how a kid really felt, they knew how the person that wrote the book said the kid felt. Every kid reacted differently though.

”I have never been helped before. I am scared quite honestly of people. I am a girl lost in the world and that has been hurt to many times. My father raped me from age five to age fourteen. I was sent to my mother who didn’t want me. I was sent here, because I wasn’t wanted in the world. Nobody wants me here. I finally found a place among the horses, that’s where I belong. They have helped me grow into who I am today. Even if I’m not good, I am better. If you want to know my story you can listen, but you have to understand. I am the way I am because being the way I was wasn’t working and I have been hurt to much to trust anybody with turning into anybody else. I can’t change because I’m scared. I am comfortable where I am at. I’m just scared and confused. I don’t know how to do anything right. You have parents, so you wouldn’t know what it’s like not having them. Sure, I have parents. My dad is in prison and my mother, well I don’t know where the hell she is.” Lucy felt like breaking down on the floor and collapsing. Her heart was pounding so hard against her chest she felt like she would die any minute now from the same thing that had threatened Jared. She felt herself get dizzy and started to wobble in her place. Positioning her hand on the desk to help support her.

”I can’t see the way you see the world. For me, life has been tough. Probably a lot tougher than most people here, sure, some people have it worst or equally as bad here. But I’m not a normal person. I can’t act like a normal person, my brain can’t function like a normal person. The only area of my life I have any confidence in is riding horses. That’s because I never had anybody to beat me down in that area, only build me up.” Her voice had been very calm as she spoke to the teacher. She felt that the desk wasn’t holding her up enough as she started to sway back in forth. Lucy wasn’t about to sit down again though, she was protecting herself unless she needed to get back up. If the teacher retaliated and Lucy felt the need to leave.

[Ayesha McMillan]

Ayesha was tempted to get up and help Lucy sit down, but that rhythmic swaying she did... Was that something she did to calm herself down, a compulsive behavior like Chris distracted himself from the closeness of other people by constantly fiddling with something when he was in her class? At least Lucy had sounded pretty calm, so it was quite possible, Ayesha decided and stayed seated.

She rested her arms on her thighs again and tried to sort out all the things Lucy had just told her. The pieces of the puzzle were beginning to fall into place, but it was a lot to digest.

"Lucy," she slowly started after several long moments. "You said the horses helped you get better, so I wouldn't give up hope yet. You once found something that helped you improve, so I wouldn't rule out that you'll find something else again that helps you. There are no guarantees, but you shouldn't think it's impossible."

Ayesha looked up at Lucy and very slowly, but quite determined, shook her head. "And I would call you a normal person - if there's such a thing. Sure, you are scared and confused," she described her, using Lucy's own words, "but a lot of people are scared or confused to some degree. Others are more aggressive than most, or more happy than the average. What's normal is just a matter of social conventions and personal perception. When you say you are not normal you are measuring yourself against a norm that no one will ever be able to precisely define. Not me, not you, no one."

And therein, Ayesha thought while she spoke, lay the biggest problem. As far as she could tell, Lucy had become so used to a life of misery that she pushed herself back into it by thinking of herself as someone not normal, because the place that would put her was the only place she had ever known. In a way Ayesha thought of her as an animal raised in captivity that would rather wander back to its cage than out into the wilderness when the cage door was opened.

But Ayesha feared that if she said any more regarding normality, she would only make it easier for Lucy to retreat again, give her something to push against if she wanted to push back, something she could twist into something that would only strengthen her self-perception. A change of topic seemed in order.

"Have you tried to get help from one of the abuse victims organizations? The Rape Abuse & Incest National Network operates nationwide and they have affiliate organizations pretty much everywhere. They could get you in touch with someone who might have been through a similar hell too. Not for a face-to-face meeting, mind you," she added hastily, before Lucy could get the wrong ideas. "Someone you could write to, or email with, someone who can actually understand your situation. Someone you can talk with from behind the cover of an internet handle if you desire anonimity."

[Lucy Maggie Stevens]

As she spoke about the horses Lucy calmed down a little. The horses had helped her, because the horses were judging her. Not people, if she did well with a horse, no person could say otherwise. It was the horses’ decision and since she was good with horses, she had gain confidence. Horses helped because she made them help. She could help the horses, Justice had been a violent horse that had been scared and not wanted out of the stall, but now, Justice trusted Lucy. Justice only trusted Lucy. Lucy had cared for her and earned her trust. When a horse bites Lucy she doesn’t give up though, because it is just one horse. She moves on usually and won’t deal with that horse for a few weeks or so until it’s mind has settled a bit.

Her eyes were a dark chocolate swirl of mystery. It was if they were the lock, if you could see what she was hiding behind her eyes, you could figure out Lucy. ”The horses helped me because I helped them. I have a strong connection with animals; I don’t know anything else that will help.” It was the absolute truth. Lucy had given put a white ago on what else would help. She spent her first year here at Willow Brooke with meeting with the counselor every day, even weekends. The next two years she met three times a week. The year following, once a week. She had practically lived in the room for a while and now she hardly went in at all. Maybe once a month, but it was always to discuss a child. Lucy had given up on solving her problems.

Lucy shook her head as Ayesha called her normal. She didn’t believe it. Lucy never believed it when somebody referred to her as normal, they were just trying to get her to feel better because feeling for some reason or another they felt obliged to. Her swaying finally came to an end as she became less dizzy focusing on a desk in the room. Just one desk, nothing special about the desk, it was just giving her something to focus on so she wouldn’t topple over backward. ”I define normal as somebody that can talk to others without breaking down. I define normal as somebody who doesn’t live in constant fear of men. Every time I see a man, I live in fear. It is hard for me to teach them sometimes because I am so feared by them.” She turned her head to look at Ayesha, it was the truth. Lucy lived in much fear that men would hurt her, but not just men, people.

Then came the help, the counseling. Lucy had considered trying to find somebody who had lived through what she had lived through. But she hardly believed it would help. ”I’ve given that a thought before, but I’m scared what somebody will think of me if I tell them. I’m scared of telling my story, showing weakness.” Her face was straight and showed no emotion. Lucy truly was scared of telling her story and people using it against her.

[Ayesha McMillan]

While she had decided to not pursue the question of normality much further, Ayesha couldn't help herself pointing out the - to her obvious - fallacy in what the girl said.

"If you define normal as holding a conversation... we are having one right now, and you are not breaking down, are you? And I would call holding a steady job a part of normality. And you do hold a steady job, even if it may be difficult for you at times."

Again Ayesha couldn't help thinking of Chris and his irrational fears of crowds and enclose spaces. In every other regard she thought him a perfectly normal teenager, but he had a fear brought about by a traumatic event, even if it had not been a prolonged event as Lucy's childhood. But she would save that for another day.

"And how could someone who has been to hell like you think of you as weak, Lucy? There might well be people somewhere out there who can understand what you are going through and have found their own ways of dealing with it."

She drew a deep breath and brushed a strand of hair that had fallen out of shape back behind her ear without hardly noticing it, deep in thought as she still was. "But... I could contact RAINN for you, tell them a friend of mine was in trouble and needed someone to talk to, sound out people on your behalf, act as a go-between for starters. It would still open that door, but it would be your decision if you stepped through, so to speak."

[Lucy Maggie Stevens]

Lucy sneered at the woman, “this isn’t a conversation. This is you trying to tell me I’m not messed up, when I know how badly I am.”

[/b] Ayesha was really getting on her nerves, as much as Lucy wanted to calm down and just talk she couldn’t find it in her will to do so. She felt like apologizing for her sneer, but thought not to, she rather not give the woman more reason to pity her with an ‘it’s ok’. She just looked at the woman, slowly taking a seat back down. She rested her elbows on her knees, then she did something she usually wouldn’t do. She cried. Lucy let tears run down her eyes.

”The fact is, this isn’t even what my problem is right now. My problem is I don’t know what to do about my parents. I mean… Jared easily could have died. I don’t have my parents right now, but I could make an attempt. I mean, what if they died, and I spent my whole life hating them.” The more she spoke about it the weaker her words got and the more filled with tears her hands were. She honestly had no clue what to do, and that scared her. Lucy was a very independent person, so not knowing what to do was scary to her. The fact that she was showing her weakness was scary to. She was showing how weak she really was to somebody she hardly knew.

”Please don’t contact anybody for me. I really don’t like talking about it.” her request was nice. She hoped it was reasonable, considering her contacting somebody for help should be her choice. ”Maybe later in life, but right now I’m too busy with the horses and everything and I just really don’t want to spend time trying to save myself.” Her request was sincere and not snobby at all. She simply made it, because she didn’t want help. If she did want help, she would get it herself. She didn’t want to spend time having somebody else help her when she didn’t even want it. Lucy didn’t want to hear somebody else’s story, not right now anyway.
[/blockquote]