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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 22, 2010 0:00:07 GMT -5
The classroom was empty, except for a lone occupant. Classes were over for the day and all the students had left, many of them straight for the mess hall, but Ayesha wasn't particularly hungry - and she had paperwork to do.
Paperwork was the one part of her job she didn't like at all. At least in this case it wasn't something overly complex, just some statistics and reports on class progress, development of grade averages and a few more things related to her work. Some of the people and organizations who donated to Willow Brooke apparently wanted regular updates on the progress, or possible lack of such, the school made. It wasn't all that different from some paperwork she had to do when she still worked at a public school, but Ayesha found it difficult to concentrate, even if it should have been a routine task.
She looked up when she could hear the voices of some students through the open window. Across the courtyard the first students were leaving the mess already and she looked at her watch, to find out that she had already spent much longer on those forms than she had thought, and she wasn't even halfway through. It seemed pretty pointless to go on like this, wasting most of the noon if she couldn't be more productive than that, so she pushed the forms aside and glanced at her phone at the edge of the desk.
That was what had her so distracted. In the few days since Jared's heart attack she had made a whole lot of calls to her parents, and she wanted to call them again. But her father had told her that they would be dining out today, so she had at least half an hour before she stood any chance of reaching her parents at their home in England.
Ayesha rose, walked over to the open window and got a good lung-full of the warm noon air. She looked over the students going about their business without really seeing them. The fear she had felt that evening when the paramedics had carted Jared off to the hospital had lessened, but a nagging voice remained at the back of her head. Jared had lead an awfully stressful life, but he was also a lot younger than her parents. That had driven home that one day something could happen to her mother and father too, a possibility she never really had contemplated before. And now there were 4,500 miles between them. It would take a day just to get to them - if flights could be found on short notice.
She leaned on the windowsill and drew another deep breath, trying to banish those thoughts from her mind.
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 22, 2010 1:08:37 GMT -5
Although Lucy didn’t like her parents, the scare with Jared had somewhat gotten to her. Not that she would ever admit it. The only person she could have a deep conversation with was Markus, and she didn’t want to rant to him right now, not when he was already under so much stress. She knew her father treated her horribly and that he did stuff he shouldn’t have ever done, but he was still her father. And her mother, a drunk who had left her when she was only a few months old, and again when she was five, allowing her father to abuse and rape her, still gave her life. She had no right hating those two. Even with how cruel her father was, he still fed her, or at least kept food in the house for her to eat. She felt like possibly she needed to get in touch with them, but she was scared to tell anybody about it. She didn’t know who here had heard of her past. She wasn’t quite sure who knew what happened to her and how it all ended up, how her road led her to here.
She wanted to talk to something, see if maybe she should contact her mother, maybe even her father, and see how they were doing. She knew her father was in prison and her mother, well she didn’t know. But maybe tracking them down and giving them a phone call would be the best thing for them. Maybe she could still have a relationship with her parents. Why should she burn that bridge when she still had an option to build it and make it stronger? Some would call her juvenile for thinking so, but she had strong opinions that she should at least try to do what she thought was right. For somebody who had never had a family, it can go two ways. Either they will never want a family, or they would have been deprived of it for so long that’s what they need most. For Lucy, she needed it. She was starving to have a family in her life, people she could count on.
So as Lucy pondered what to do, she walked in toward the school. She wasn’t sure what she was doing here, she was hoping that now would be the time to find a quite class room. The stables were pretty loud this time of the day, the students that had made bonds with their horses were usually out there playing with them. She needed somewhere to think, just calm down and decide what to do. She didn’t want to just invite her father into her life again to continue doing what he had done to her. But why should she completely get rid of him? She needed to talk to Mark, but she was going to respect his situation, wait for Jared to get better before she spoke to him.
She finally found a room that she thought was empty. She opened the door and took a step into it. As soon as she heard the door shut behind her tears started streaming down her face. She let out a scream and clinched her hands into a fist. This was the Lucy most people didn’t get to see. She didn’t like showing weakness in front of people, because then they would take advantage of her. She used to cry in front of daddy, and look what happened. She felt like dropping to the floor she was so weak but didn’t. She tried to clear her eyes, and as soon as she had, wished she hadn’t. The room wasn’t empty; she saw another female figure, probably the teacher, standing over by the window. Lucy instantly blushed and tried to think of an excuse for her actions. ”Uh, I’m… uh.. I’m really sorry about that…” She went to take a step back toward the door. Her embarrassment was obvious by the bright red color in her face.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 22, 2010 1:42:45 GMT -5
Ayesha looked back over her shoulder when she heard the door. She hadn't expected any company, but perhaps one of the students had forgotten something, or it was a janitor come to clean the classroom. But what she saw instead surprised her completely and left her speechless long enough for the young woman to speak up before she could say a word.
"Don't apologize," she finally managed after the girl calmed down from her outburst. She searched her mind for her name, certain that she had seen her before around the stables. Wasn't she one of the riding instructors? Lucy... Something.
"Lucy, isn't it?" Ayesha closed the window and shut out the outside noise. Whatever the girl's problem, that she had a problem was impossible to miss, and she was already backing towards the door. Somehow Ayesha doubted that going out with the crying and the embarrassment still plainly visible on Lucy's face would help solve her problems.
"Why don't you sit down for a moment," she asked, gesturing towards the chair she had occupied a minute ago. It was only a little more comfortable than the students' chairs, but a little was better than nothing. The young woman needed to relax seemed certain and Ayesha just hadn't in her to let her run off before she had done just that.
"I think we haven't been introduced. I'm Ayesha."
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 22, 2010 2:04:11 GMT -5
She felt her breath was quick. She seemed almost scared, well, she was usually scared. She didn’t let people in, she didn’t show people her emotions. Hardly ever did she talk to people other than students that came up to her for advice. She did that cause it was her job though, and she liked being able to help people, but she didn’t just talk to people. This woman seemed nice enough though, she was a teacher here. That was obvious by her being in the classroom, and she wasn’t dressed enough to be working out in the stables. She wasn’t quite sure about the woman’s name though. She was pretty sure it started with either an A or an I. Inisha? Something like that she was pretty sure.
She was surprised when the woman knew her name. ”Yeah, it’s Lucy.” She nodded her head at the nice woman. She wasn’t used to people in general, but she hadn’t ever allowed people to get close. This woman had just seen Lucy completely break down and she was just being nice about it, just letting her in and helping her. She certainly wasn’t used to people acting in such a nice way, she had been pretty sure only animals did that, and Mark. Mark was the only exception to her rule that she had found. Just cause this lady was nice now though, didn’t mean they could be friends. Lucy had been scarred and forced into a pattern of not trusting people, especially men. And although this woman had just that going for her, it didn’t mean Lucy could trust her.
The woman’s kind gesture was noticed by Lucy and took a few strides to the chair to sit down. She then rested her elbows on her knees and buried her face into the palm of her hands. Trying hard not to cry, but her heavy breathing was a sign of her weakness and how hard it was for her to not let it all out. ”Thank you.” Was all she could find herself say at the time. For the woman welcomed her into the room and seemed so calm and caring about it.
Ayesha, of course, now she remembered. She had known this ladies name, she just hadn’t been certain, but after hearing the words slip off her tongue, it was certain. She was the English teacher here at Willow Brooke. ”Well, you already know my name, Lucy. It’s uh… nice to meet you.” Lucy wasn’t good at introductions, she didn’t meet people usually except for students. They were usually just as shy about introductions as her.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 22, 2010 3:46:10 GMT -5
"Nice to meet you too. But it looks like we haven't met under the best circumstances."
Ayesha started to pull a chair over to her desk, but when it made a screeching sound on the floor she picked it up and carried it the two meters. It didn't take a genius to see that Lucy was still very much in distress and she didn't want to startle her. If she really wanted to help Lucy get a grip on herself she would need to make things easier on her, in a way take control of the situation, show her that everything was all right - or at least as all right as things could be. She was no counselor, but dealing with people who had personal problems was part of her job, and when it came to a co-worker she wouldn't hold back any help she had to offer. Not after most people had welcomed her warmly and with an open heart and mind to Willow Brooke.
Ayesha reached into the bag that leaned against the side of her desk and pulled out a half-full bottle of water before she sat down. She uncapped the bottle and held it out across the desk. "Sorry I already drank from it, but if you are thirsty...?" She offered Lucy a smile and added: "I don't think you'll catch anything from it."
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 22, 2010 3:58:43 GMT -5
Lucy concentrated on breathing. Three deep breaths, in threw her mouth, out threw her nose. Breathe. She told herself. She just needed to breathe and hopefully she could relax. She wanted to relax herself and let herself just calm down. She needed to be calm. she really should work on not working herself up over her past. Of course, this hadn’t been her past. This was a train wreck of when her past and the present collided to create one big mess in her head that she couldn’t vent about, because her father had emotionally scarred her and scared her from people. She got thinking, if he saw her now, would he regret what he had done to her? She doubted it, but the thought was a good one, she needed to focus on these types of thoughts.
She smiled at Ayesha. The teacher was kind, and she was thoughtful. Lucy didn’t know what she had done to deserve this kindness. She was a worthless pile of shit, why anybody would take an interest in her or care about her was unknown to her. She tried to fake a smile at the heartfelt lady, but she failed. The smile came out way more fake looking than she had hoped. Oh well, first impressions were already ruined weren’t they. She had burned that bridge when she had stormed into the women’s room, thinking she was alone, screamed then broke down.
Looking at the bottle of water offered to her, she was happy. She was kind of thirsty, and she wasn’t scared of catching any germs or anything. ”I could use a drink, thank you very much.” She said, this time her smile coming out a little more believable. She wasn’t sure why this women was so kind, something must have happened in her life to make her this way, but it had certainly changed Lucy’s attitude for now. Of course, she wasn’t about to open up to the stranger. Co-worker or not, Lucy just couldn’t open up to people. Only people who already knew her past and tried to understand her were even worth trying to talk to. Others just didn’t get why she was so timid.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 22, 2010 9:58:17 GMT -5
"You are welcome." Ayesha told her, returning the smile she now saw turning a little more natural after that first - failed - attempt to put up a happy face. The smile on Lucy's face was only a small one, but it was a start and Rome hadn't been built in a day, Ayesha told herself. She gathered the papers on her desk, but only to make a bit more room, pushing them closer to her phone. A phone that started to ring just at that moment. Piano chords filled the room, joined a few seconds later by percussion and a lively violin. "Excuse me," she asked Lucy with a warm smile, that was brought about by the music and the knowledge who the caller would be. Ayesha picked up the phone and rose, humming to the first few words sung by a female voice now sounding from the phone. I felt I was spinning my wheels Before too long the road was calling I packed everything I own So sure that I was leaving this small town life behind for good "Hello? Hey mom. I thought we had agreed I'd call you later "Home so soon? Everything alright?" she asked after listening for a moment. "Good." She turned to Lucy and gestured for her to remain seated. She had a feeling the girl would sneak away if she left her out of sight for too long and Ayesha was stubborn. Now that she had decided Lucy needed some help she would stick to her guns. "Tomorrow? Yes, I can understand how dad wanted to be home early enough to double check the stable was set up. Perfectionist to the end," she joked, before she added: "Listen, can I call you back in a bit?... Yes, I will. Tell daddy I love him. ... Yes... Bye." She ended the call and returned to her place at the desk, apologizing, "I am sorry for the interruption, but I could never not accept a call from my mom."
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 22, 2010 12:39:52 GMT -5
Lucy rocked back and forth slowly in the chair. She felt like a little kid rocking in the chair, a scared little kid. It’s what she used to do when she was younger, after her dad would beat her she would find a closet or someplace dark and small and would sit, trying to breathe deeply and calm down after the horrifying event. Most people would avoid small dark places, but it was naturally where Lucy felt safe. She felt as if nobody could get in there with her, so she couldn’t be raped. Plus nobody would be able to see her, hopefully, so she couldn’t get beat. She liked places where she was alone. She was somebody who stuck to herself, and she did this because if she wasn’t close to anybody, they wouldn’t have the option to hurt her.
She heard the phone ring and she jumped a little in the chair. She had grown accustomed to the silence that filled the room and to have noise fill the emptiness was a shock to her. Luckily Ayesha answered it quickly, not to spook her too much. The words she spoke on the phone Hello? Hey mom. This women had a mother. She listened to her half of the conversation, their relationship seemed close to. She didn’t know then if she should like the women and take advice from her, or if she should just leave. The quick motion of her hand showed she didn’t want her to leave. She stayed seated in her seat. Ayesha obviously didn’t want her to leave, but Lucy wasn’t sure she wanted to stay. The women had a family she stayed in touch with and got along with, there was no way she would understand Lucy’s story even if Lucy tried to explain it well.
How could somebody who had always had a family understand how hard it is for her to figure out whether or not she should stay in touch with her family. The call was terminated and the woman was speaking to her again. I am sorry for the interruption, but I could never not accept a call from my mom. She gave the woman a weak smile. Lucy would probably ignore a call from her mother; she wouldn’t even know it was her mother’s number. She had absolutely no relationship with her parents. Their relationship hadn’t been there for a while. Her mother made a bad impression on her when Lucy only lived there for a year and had to put up with emotional abuse daily. She hadn’t been in her life for nearly fifteen years, and then emotionally abused her. Lucy didn’t know if she should lie or if she should break down again in front of the teacher. She felt tears forming behind her eyes and didn’t want to let them go. ”It’s ok.” She told her, excusing the interruption.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 22, 2010 13:14:31 GMT -5
Ayesha studied her closely, thought there might be something else behind the smile, weak as it was, and the 'It's okay', but she couldn't place her finger on it, couldn't even be certain that it wasn't just her imagination.
"Thanks." She nodded, wondering if she should start to make some gentle inquiries into Lucy's problems. But they needed a connection first. And Lucy was a riding instructor, used to being around horses and working with them, so she thought her mother's call gave her the perfect topic to talk and get a little chatty about, or so she thought.
Ayesha switched off her phone and put it in her bag. "My dad's getting a new horse, his second one tomorrow. A young Westphalian mare. After thirty five years I think he's making a real attempt to talk my mom into riding lessons, now that he's retired and has too much time on his hands."
She took a swig from the water bottle, then placed it in the middle of the table, in easy reach of both of them, before she added: "Dad's first horse is an Irish Hunter. I've never seen him before, but I hope I can ride him when I visit my folks, once the semester is over."
It seemed like a nice topic to talk about with a riding instructor - horses. Not mentioning her family in this regard never crossed Ayesha's mind after Lucy had overheard half her talk with her mother. As far as Ayesha was concerned what she had just said explained a bit, and also provided a neutral topic to talk about.
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 22, 2010 13:46:12 GMT -5
The woman was trying to start up a conversation. Lucy wasn’t exactly enthralled to engage in the topic. She didn’t want to talk about how Ayesha had the perfect little family. From her experiences, no family was perfect, so maybe Ayesha had flaws too. She was a teacher though, not a student, she could live the perfect life and have the perfect little family and never ever have to worry about any problems. In which case, Lucy couldn’t find a reason or Jared to hire her. Not unless he just wanted an English teacher, but didn’t he want staff who could in some way possibly relate to the tough times the students were experiencing? That was why it had been so easy for Lucy to get her job, she had experiences with horses, and in fact, the horse she would have here, and she knew how to ride, and she had a past. One that she didn’t like to speak about often.
The conversation still wasn’t something Lucy felt like she could contribute well enough to. She felt a tear slide down her cheek at the mention of Ayesha’s father. ”That is really cool, I wish someday to have enough land to have a few horses. I just have Justice right now…” she zoned off as she started thinking of her beautiful mare. She had spent so much time working with the mare and getting her comfortable with her. Even now, the mare was still spooked by strangers, she wouldn’t let hardly anybody ride her than Lucy. Only a few of Lucy’s students had a calm enough demeanor for the horse to pick up and let them stroke her sides.
She thought about how Justice had been the only creature she was able to bond with for her first few years at Willow Brooke. Eventually her and Mark became friends, but that didn’t happen till she had been here a while and had spoken to the counselor, been able to decide maybe, possibly, all men weren’t horrible. Then, Markus held an outstretched arm toward her and only supported it by being a good friend to her. Even after being at Willow Brooke for several years, she had only made two bonds. The one she and Markus had, which she wasn’t sure what to call it, and the one she shared with her horse. ”Horses are great companions. Sometimes they are your only companions…” Her thought trailed off as she thought about it. Sure Justice wasn’t her only companion, but she had been for a wonderfully long time. Horses didn’t waste trust.
Slowly she felt the build-up of tears in her eyes and felt like crying again. She didn’t like to cry in front of people though, she held her tears back, but she knew if she blinked she would cry. Her eyes turned to look four dimensional with the layer of tears that settled over her eyes. Her eye lids were being filled with water that wanted to escape, but Lucy couldn’t allow it. She had already looked weak in front of this stranger once, she wasn’t going to let it happen again.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 23, 2010 1:25:12 GMT -5
Ayesha reached out across the table and placed her hand on Lucy's arm. "I am sorry that I said something wrong," she apologized, the words coming from her heart. For it was obvious that she had said something wrong; there was no 'if' or 'maybe' there.
What that something was took her a moment to figure out, as she wasn't sure at first if it was the talk about family, or if it was something about the horses, if something was wrong with Lucy's horse that had her so upset. But things became more clear to her when the girl spoke about horses sometimes being the only companions. It sounded so terribly lonely, devoid of human friendship.
Family had been the entirely wrong topic to mention, for if Lucy had a family she didn't get along with - or no family at all, it would explain a lot of her reaction. Suddenly Ayesha felt pretty stupid.
The problem for her was that she also had no idea how to relate to what she now suspected Lucy's situation to be. She had to deal with students from shattered families before, young people who had no one to turn to, but all she had to fall back on in those situations was her training as a teacher, as the situation itself was completely alien to her.
She lightly squeezed Lucy's arm and nodded at her. "It's okay to let it all out, if it helps. I've seen tears before, cried some myself. Sometimes it helps."
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 23, 2010 1:45:11 GMT -5
Lucy smiled at the kindness Ayesha showed her. She was able to pick up the sadness that lingered along with Lucy’s words. Of course, Lucy wasn’t trying to sound sad, she didn’t like attention. She wasn’t to fond of the way the teachers was talking to her, but Lucy needed to talk. She knew that much and she couldn’t talk to Mark. Justice wasn’t going to do any good because she couldn’t talk back, and this was something Lucy needed advice on. ”It’s ok,” Lucy replied to the teachers apology. She didn’t want to make Ayesha feel bad for her comment on family; she had no idea about Lucy’s past. Lucy just wasn’t sure she was ready to talk to another stranger again. She had taken very large steps when she opened up to Mark. Of course, opening up to a woman would be much easier for her, but it was still difficult. She had been shut out of human compassion for song long, she wasn’t sure what to think of it anymore when it truly did exist.
Lucy watched Ayesha’s lips as she spoke more words. Lucy didn’t want to cry, but she wasn’t sure how much longer she could hold back the tears that seemed desperate to push themselves free of her eyes. They wanted to escape, but Lucy didn’t like to show weakness in front of strangers. She rather not show weakness at all. Lucy was like a rabbit, a prey species. She knew very well predators picked out the weakest link, so she didn’t want to appear to be the weakest link and get picked out. ”I don’t need to cry.” Her voice cold, and maybe rude. Lucy never met to come off rude, but sometimes she just did because she was so used to shutting people out of her life. So when she pushed people away, they often considered her rude. ”Sorry, don’t mean to come off as rude.” She quickly corrected her wrong. The lady had been nothing but nice to her, Lucy hadn’t a reason to be rude toward her.
Lucy knew gossip went around this town like a tornado hitting a house. Everything had to blow up first. So she knew that when she was knew here and people had finally figured out exactly why she was here, because nobody else wanted her, everybody knew. As soon as one person at Willow Brooke got the dish, everybody knew exactly what was up. Lucy wasn’t exactly excited at the time, still wasn’t, about being here only because she had no other place to go. Her parents wanted nothing to do with her. Well, her father may argue that differently, but it wasn’t the same being wanted for sex. She wondered if the gossip had ever hit Ayesha, she wasn’t quite sure how long the teacher had been at the school, but if she had been here while Lucy was, she certainly would know about the girl that wasn’t wanted. Lucy decided to take a step out of her shell, maybe invite Ayesha in, she seemed nice enough. Anyway, Lucy had grown good at pushing people out of her shell quickly. ”Have you heard of my past before? Lucy Stevens?”
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 23, 2010 2:23:47 GMT -5
Ayesha accepted the apology with a small shrug. Yes, Lucy had come across as rude for a second, but so far she hadn't seemed the cold, rude type, so she chalked that up to her trying to put on a brave face and overshooting her mark, She was still convinced that it would be good for Lucy to let it all out, but she could hardly force her. All she could do was offer some support now.
"No, I haven't heard about your past," she informed Lucy.
Ayesha preferred to spend her spare time at Willow Brooke and only went into Brooke Haven for the occasional dinner, to buy some groceries, or to explore the town with Adrianna. And when she hit the town she never paid attention to the gossip, still a little afraid some of it might be about her, given that she still was one of the latest arrivals in town.
Not that Lucy - or Ayesha - would have had to worry about the gossips talking about them. Even in a small town like Brooke Haven there was always something new to talk about, and lately that had been Jared's heart attack, and someone spotting the mayor's daughter with the new sheriff. And to the townspeople who knew - or speculated - about Lucy's past she was old news, after having been around for years now, hardly as worthy of gossip as Lucy might have feared.
"Does it matter if I know?" she asked gently.
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Post by Lucy Maggie Stevens on Jul 23, 2010 2:46:12 GMT -5
Lucy looked at her, it had been a few years since she had been the center of the town’s gossip, so if Ms. Ayesa was new, she wouldn’t know anything about the story who made Lucy who she was. Lucy acted who she was because of how she grew up. She had known human kind to be cruel creatures for so long that she had been scared. Many could compare Lucy to a puppy found lost on the streets. She was completely lost in life, she didn’t know where to go or how to get there. She was lost and needed help finding her way out, because it had became obvious she couldn’t do it on her own.
“In order to know what makes me me. To know why I act how I do, you have to know my past. I’m not like most people, I’m a worthless pile of shit.” She said this with a straight face, completely meaning every word that came out of her mouth. Lucy had been told for years she was no good, that she had ruined her father’s life and that she was nothing to the world. She would never find anybody who liked, because she was worthless. He often compared her to a pile of shit, and after hearing it so many times from the one figure in her life that she was supposed to look up too, she started believing it. She was worthless. Now, it would take a lot of work for people to convince her otherwise. People sometimes disagreed and Lucy dropped the subject, cause she didn’t want to argue about what she knew was true.
”Do you want to know? Or would you rather not?” She asked the English teacher. Of course, Lucy didn’t usually open up to people, but she needed to talk. So for this one time, possibly the only time in her life she could without being pressured to, she did open up. She wanted to open up and talk. She felt like maybe it would help, or she would get laughed at and shrugged off, to where she would go back into her shell and take it as a life lesson to not venture out.
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Post by Ayesha McMillan on Jul 23, 2010 10:13:48 GMT -5
Ayesha drew her hand back from Lucy's arm and began to twirl a strand of hair around her fingers, back and forth, as she studied her face thoroughly. How one Earth could that girl possibly ended up with such low self-esteem? It sounded like she had bigger problems than half the students of Willow Brooke. If this wasn't just a short spell of depression or anxiety, perhaps a counselor would be the better choice of listener for her.
But Ayesha was stubborn, and once she began something she tried her best to see it through to the end. She had gotten that from her mother, who, in her mind, was the sweetest, most loving and caring person imaginable. But her mother had also never backed down from a fight, had always stood up for herself when challenged, and growing up as close to her mother as she had, it was only natural that both sides of that personality had rubbed off on her. So for now she would try her best to help Lucy.
Ayesha stopped toying with her hair, choosing her words carefully as she slowly spoke. "I find it very difficult to believe that you are a pile of shit, and here's why. You are a riding instructor at Willow Brooke. That means you have to be good with horses, otherwise you wouldn't have this job."
She turned to the window, for a moment taking her eyes off Lucy to look at the stable visible behind the much smaller office building. A small, wistful smile on her face she continued, still looking outside. "Horses recognize a lot about people, and I don't think a... pile of shit could work well enough with horses to be a riding instructor. The horses wouldn't let her."
Turning back to Lucy she leaned back in her chair and looked the young woman in the eye. "So yes, I want to know why you think otherwise."
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